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Computer Problems
Posted Date: 02 May 2008 Resource Type: Computer Jokes Category: General
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Posted By: Anjali Sharma Member Level: Gold
Rating:  Points: 0
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Dear Mr Bill Gates,
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab . We have bought a computer for
our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and
whenever we fill the form in the password column, only ****** appears, but
in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears. We face this problem
only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he
said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the
e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we
ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. So how do i stop
my computer ?
3. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run ' has
ran upto Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we
can click that by sitting.
4. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only
're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
5. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the
door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but
unable to trace.
6. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' -
cards game.
7. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft
sentence', so when you will provide that?
8. I brought computer, cpu, mouse and keypad...i.e. 4 items, lekin there is
only one icon 'MY Computer', remaining ka kya huwa?
9. Aur ye to kamal hai, windows says 'MY Pictures' lekin there is not even
single photo of mine, So when you will keep my photo in that.
10. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the
PC at home only.
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Responses
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| Author: Dainy Patel 03 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
| | Author: Dainy Patel 03 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.
| | Author: Dainy Patel 03 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | Moses And Computers
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"
"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they're important.
Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course
you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't
save
them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I
did
send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses
'shalt not'? Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and
recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one
or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming
him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff,
and
I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he
might
have sent me one of those - er - plagues, and that's the reason I lost
those
ten things, do you?"
"They're called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go
back
to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading
them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows
more
about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir,
did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,'
because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you
want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told
him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the
computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be
working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt
not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone
tablets.
| | Author: Dainy Patel 03 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | Hardware vs. Software
Once upon a time, in an absolute monarchy not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"
One advisor, an electrical engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster."
The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Wait 'til next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years.
"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes.
"The ham-and-cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs.
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too.
"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Would-be diners won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook.
"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80586 with 16MB of memory, a 1.2GB hard disk, and a SuperVGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller)."
The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and the kingdom lived happily ever after.
| | Author: Dainy Patel 03 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | Hardware, Software and Internet Rules
(See Val Hubbard's site for original version. used with permission)
Hardware Rules
There is no such thing as -faster- systems. Whenever a new or faster system is installed, it will be loaded with software that was too much for the old system. The new system then becomes as slow as the old system.
The price always goes down after you purchase hardware.
You never have enough speed, disk space, memory, com-links, graphics, and so on. If you ever get it all, there isn't enough time to learn how to use it.
It always takes 3 trips to the store to get the hardware working. (Plumbing also)
Whenever the oldest piece of hardware is upgraded, the next oldest piece of hardware instantly becomes obsolete and must be upgraded also.
Whenever hardware is updated, software must be updated also. (See Software #34)
As soon as you pay off your hardware purchase, it will be time to upgrade.
Hardware becomes affordable just before it is obsolete.
When a fix for a hardware problem is not obvious, the problem is blamed on the software. (See software #31)
Hardware maintenance contracts are sold for new machines that don't need them. Hardware maintenance contracts are not sold for old machines that do need them.
Use expensive hardware. No one questions the data from an expensive computer, even if they know the input was garbage.
Using computers built to 'Minimum Hardware Requirements' will yield minimal results.
Computer hardware is leased for a minimum of twice its useful lifespan.
A LAN is like a chain, it is only as good as the weakest link.
A LAN will be loaded with 4 times the data it was designed for. Designing with the overload in mind will not help. (See Hardware rule #1)
The more money you save on buying hardware, the more you will spend on installation, repairs, maintenance and software.
Heterogeneous networks will work given time and money. (See software rule #52)
All input devices are like cats. They will ignore you at times just to remind you who is boss.
Software Rules
Software is a tool, not salvation.
Management will buy software as a salvation.
No software is TURNKEY.
Management believes all software is TURNKEY.
The software you use always looks buggy.
It is always easier to blame the software for work problems than pointing out real problems to management.
The software the salesman is showing you always looks bugless.
The more complex/integrated the software, the more bug fixing becomes a magic art.
In order of increasing magnitude there are:
Lies
#@%* lies
Software demos
User friendly software often lacks enough power to do your job.
User friendly software is sought after by management to keep training costs down.
Any command that needs more than 4 pages of documentation should be termed 'USER HOSTILE'.
Any command with more than 1 page of documentation will only be used as a last resort.
Speed is proportional to the time you have to wait. It doesn't matter if the new software does 10,000 commands in 30 seconds versus 1 command in 2 seconds with the old software. The 30 second wait is longer than the 2 second wait , thus the new software is slow.
Salesman are often taken at their word, while everyone else has to prove it.
Good training leads to remarkable payback on computer use.
Software training budgets are the last thing funded, and the first to be cut.
The longer you evaluate software, the more outdated it will be by the time you use it.
Customer driven software is great for the short term only.
Innovation beyond customer needs and wants is the only way to stay ahead in the market.
Customers that know the least about the software make the most demands.
Customers that know the most about software make important demands, but are often not recognized because they are too busy working, not complaining.
Software can not change a companies policies, procedures or structure. That is the job of leaders.
Software is often purchased to change a companies policies, procedures or structure.
Software organizations need leadership, not management. Software groups must be lead through constant changes, not pushed.
All software becomes outdated on the date of purchase.
Software Revision' is a better strategy for making money than 'Planned Obsolescence'.
Sales forces are the ones that decide what is to be done with software. Unfortunately sales forces wouldn't know innovation if it hit them. (See rules 19 & 20)
The only time a System Administrator is recognized is when there is a problem. A good System Administrator is a natural hermit.
Maintenance contracts for software will expire the day before you find a critical bug.
When a fix for a software problem is not obvious, the problem is blamed on the hardware. (See Hardware #9)
Software is often purchased by the people who don't know how to use it, but are buying it in the hopes someone will know how to use it.
Users groups are most often attended by managers, not the users.
Whenever software is updated, hardware must be updated also. (See Hardware #6)
What works doesn't always sell, what sells doesn't always work.
Software that is 'better' or much 'better' is not beneficial. It has to be significantly better to pay for change.
Software decisions are often based on minor differences that are seen as major improvements.
One fact does not generate wisdom. A software salesman will take one fact and try to make it a religion.
Advanced or Automated software requires an advanced user. Even if all he does is push a button 99% of the time. Knowing what to do the other 1% of the time requires a user who understands fully what is going on.
Automation in the hands of an advanced user has significant payback. Automation in the hands of a novice rarely shows payback. Automation just adds to the tasks a novice must learn and retards the learning of skills needed by the novice.
When no one reports a bug or complains about software, one of the following is true:
No one is using it
A natural disaster has disabled all forms of communication.
It is perfect Software
Any programmer that claims the honor of writing perfect software will be given nicknames by his co-workers. None of which could be repeated in polite company.
For software to be responsive the 'Minimum Hardware Requirements' listed for the software must be doubled. This includes memory, disk space and cpu power. If graphics are involved, requirements must be tripled.
Software that requires training of the users will be loaded immediately without training. Software that requires training for the system administrator will be loaded after training is complete and only as a last resort, if ever.
One simple accurate example is worth 10 pages of documentation. Examples are rarely used in documentation. Those that are used are often inaccurate.
The enhancement or bug fix you need is always in the next rev. (See Software #27)
Software enhancements cause new problems equal to or greater than the problems the enhancements fixed.
Software can not be forced to be successful, no matter how much screaming, ranting, raving, pleading or promising is done. Software can only be made to do what a company or individual is successful at doing now. Software can not invent solutions.
Software quality is defined by the customer, not the provider. The provider can meet the customers expectations, but can not define expectations.
Software systems must be maintained. This includes programs, databases, user interfaces, documentation and training. Software left unsupported will soon become unreliable, useless or unusable. The more complex the software, the faster the demise.
The quality people will accept when buying software is often amazingly lower than what they will accept buying anything else.
Any software solution can be provided given time and money. The problem is most people don't ask how much time and money.
When software bugs are reported, the standard operating procedure is:
Generate detailed reports showing customers are happy.
Prove bugs are user errors.
Lable bugs as requests for enhancements.
Keep asking for more information until the customer gives up.
Pass a bug around until it goes away.
Prove that the customer does not need a bug fixed.
Have customers prioritize a list of bugs. With luck, customers will make the mistake of marking some of the bugs as anything but critical.
When all else fails, attempt to fix a bug within 2-3 revs.
Beta testing makes users feel good, but does nothing for quality. Quality is a result of design, not testing.
The lowliest human is better at adapting and making decisions than the best computer program. The only exception is when a human is following government regulations.
Updating any software will require you to update all software. This is detailed in the 'Continual Purchase' clause of all Software contracts.
Internet Rules
The Internet is infested by acronym freaks. This rule will be known as TIIIBAF in the future.
Levels of Internet stupidity in order of increasing magnitude are:
Arguing with someone on the Internet.
Believing someone will take you seriously if you argue.
Swearing, calling names or insulting someone.
Swearing, calling names or insulting someone and believing you are not an idiot.
Believing that freedom is doing anything you want.
Lack of self control, restraint and concern for others will lead to chaos.
Chaos will be brought under control by laws, rules and regulation. Government projects are exempted from chaos controls.
Most Internet users make horrible economists. Internet users believe there is a free lunch.
All Internet software and interfaces will become standardized 1 year after the Internet is obsoleted by something else.
Keeping the Internet from being gridlocked over the next 10 years may be a greater feat than putting the first man on the moon.
The Internet is like "The Goose that Layed Golden Eggs". The problem is there are vendors and users with hatchets.
The Internet is like a LAN. (See Hardware rules #14-15)
Any advanced society will classify SPAMMING as a 1st degree felony. They will also outlaw any replies to a SPAM.
Pretty Good Privacy, PGP, is good enough. Be secure in the fact that it may take a few months or even a year or two before someone tears PGP apart.
Volume of data should not be confused with useful data. Remember an infinite number of monkeys typing will generate an unfathomable amount of trash.
No one can completely understand how things move on the Internet. Chaos was one of the original design specs.
The internet may give an intelligent, hard working person the freedom to communicate with thousands, millions or even billions.
The internet may give an inconsiderate, hard working fool the ability to insult and abuse the freedom of thousands, millions or even billions.
The best way to end the chaos generated by spammers and fools is to ignore them. Unfortunately it only takes one reply to keep their little egos satisfied and their fingers typing.
One of the great satisfactions of the Internet is being able to empty the trash and not add to a land-fill.
| | Author: Dainy Patel 03 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | Email Mistakes
It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here."
| | Author: Dainy Patel 03 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | Classic Hack
Here is a story about one of the classic computer hacks.
Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at Motorola discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system. Through a simple programming strategy, it was possible for a user program to trick the system into running a portion of the program in `master mode' (supervisor state), in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then poke a large value into its `privilege level' byte (normally write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor, and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door was wide open.
Motorola quite properly reported this problem to Xerox via an official `level 1 SIDR' (a bug report with an intended urgency of `needs to be fixed yesterday'). Because the text of each SIDR was entered into a database that could be viewed by quite a number of people, Motorola followed the approved procedure: they simply reported the problem as `Security SIDR', and attached all of the necessary documentation, ways-to-reproduce, etc.
The CP-V people at Xerox sat on their thumbs; they either didn't realize the severity of the problem, or didn't assign the necessary operating-system-staff resources to develop and distribute an official patch.
Months passed. The Motorola guys pestered their Xerox field-support rep, to no avail. Finally they decided to take direct action, to demonstrate to Xerox management just how easily the system could be cracked and just how thoroughly the security safeguards could be subverted.
They dug around in the operating-system listings and devised a thoroughly devilish set of patches. These patches were then incorporated into a pair of programs called `Robin Hood' and `Friar Tuck'. Robin Hood and Friar Tuck were designed to run as `ghost jobs' (daemons, in UNIX terminology); they would use the existing loophole to subvert system security, install the necessary patches, and then keep an eye on one another's statuses in order to keep the system operator (in effect, the superuser) from aborting them.
One fine day, the system operator on the main CP-V software development system in El Segundo was surprised by a number of unusual phenomena. These included the following:
* Tape drives would rewind and dismount their tapes in the middle of a job. * Disk drives would seek back and forth so rapidly that they would attempt to walk across the floor. * The card-punch output device would occasionally start up of itself and punch a lace card. These would usually jam in the punch. * The console would print snide and insulting messages from Robin Hood to Friar Tuck, or vice versa. * The Xerox card reader had two output stackers; it could be instructed to stack into A, stack into B, or stack into A (unless a card was unreadable, in which case the bad card was placed into stacker B). One of the patches installed by the ghosts added some code to the card-reader driver... after reading a card, it would flip over to the opposite stacker. As a result, card decks would divide themselves in half when they were read, leaving the operator to re collate them manually.
Naturally, the operator called in the operating-system developers. They found the bandit ghost jobs running, and X'ed them... and were once again surprised. When Robin Hood was X'ed, the following sequence of events took place:
!X id1
id1: Friar Tuck... I am under attack! Pray save me! id1: Off (aborted)
id2: Fear not, friend Robin! I shall rout the Sheriff of Nottingham's men!
id1: Thank you, my good fellow!
Each ghost-job would detect the fact that the other had been killed, and would start a new copy of the recently slain program within a few milliseconds. The only way to kill both ghosts was to kill them simultaneously (very difficult) or to deliberately crash the system.
Finally, the system programmers did the latter --- only to find that the bandits appeared once again when the system rebooted! It turned out that these two programs had patched the boot-time OS image (the kernel file, in UNIX terms) and had added themselves to the list of programs that were to be started at boot time.
The Robin Hood and Friar Tuck ghosts were finally eradicated when the system staff rebooted the system from a clean boot-tape and reinstalled the monitor. Not long thereafter, Xerox released a patch for this problem.
It is alleged that Xerox filed a complaint with Motorola's management about the merry-prankster actions of the two employees in question. It is not recorded that any serious disciplinary action was taken against either of them
| | Author: Arunkumar 05 May 2008 | Member Level: Bronze Points : 2 | u have a gud sense of humour anju
| | Author: Mohammed Khaja Najmuddin 06 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | good sardarji joke
| | Author: Vinay 06 May 2008 | Member Level: Silver Points : 2 | NICE ONE
| | Author: shaik mohiuddin 07 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | keep it up
| | Author: devireddy 07 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | Wow...
very nice
| | Author: Jinesh 07 May 2008 | Member Level: Silver Points : 2 | good good very good
| | Author: Lakshmi Indlamuri 07 May 2008 | Member Level: Bronze Points : 2 | Nice Collection
| | Author: Balaji 07 May 2008 | Member Level: Silver Points : 2 | Nice one!....... very Good!..........
| | Author: venkat kamal 07 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | nice collection keep it up.........
| | Author: Raghav 24 Jul 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 | Hello Dainy,
Please do not repeat your answers. You can rspond only once. You should not respond so many times with the same answer. If you continue like this, your membership may be cancelled from the website. You are trying to increase your points by cheating like this,. It is not correct at all. Please do not repeat again.
Raghav Kumar
(Web Master)
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