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> HUMOROUS HRD NOTICE OF A COMPANY TO ALL EMPLOYEES
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> HUMOROUS HRD NOTICE OF A COMPANY TO ALL EMPLOYEES
>
> Dear STAFF,
>
> Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to
> raise the efficiency of our firm.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
> _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___
> 1) TRANSPORTATION:
> It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your
salary.
> a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well
financially
> and therefore you do not need a raise.
> b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we
> assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
> c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and
therefore
> you do not need a raise.
>
> 2) ANNUAL LEAVE :
> Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1
> employee).
> - They are called SUNDAYs.
>
> 3) LUNCH BREAK:
> a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
that
> they can look healthy.
> b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
> maintain their average figure.
> c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
> to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
>
> 4) SICK DAYS :
> We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
> - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
> 5) TOILET USE:
> Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
> a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
> b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll
> will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
> c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
> bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
> d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to
> pay your salary.
>
> 6) SURGERY :
> As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
> - You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
> - To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
>
> 7) INTERNET USAGE :
> All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted
> from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges
> will be deducted from your salary.
> - Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we
have
> 4MB connection.
>
> Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for
> next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months
salary.
> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
> _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ____
> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive
>
> employment experience.
> Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
> irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
> contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
>
> Best regards,
> HRD
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